10 Important Lessons in My Gender Journey
Reflections on the challenges, growth and joy of being transgender
Humble Beginnings
It was October 8th, 2014. To paint a picture in your mind, you would see me racing through the crowded streets of New York City, weaving between taxis and white-collar workers on their lunch breaks. Anyone would see that I was in a hurry but would have no idea where I was going. No one would have guessed that I was on my way to xa life-changing appointment at Callen-Lorde. After a torturous 3 month wait for my appointment, today was the day.
The day I finally start taking testosterone.
If you would have asked me back then, I would have told you that I have been preparing for this very moment. I had watched countless YouTube videos of other transgender men, whose monthly updates I have been vicariously living through to get me through the waiting period. I would spend hours imagining myself in their shoes as they shared their milestones of their voice drop, the first appearance of facial hair and muscle development. I was excited for the same changes to happen to me too.
Over the first year, I celebrated milestones and wrestled with disappointment. I grappled with many questions concerning my slow facial hair growth, my voice cracking and lack of muscle development.
Back then, finding support for transmasculine people was like searching for a needle in a haystack. YouTube videos and a small Facebook group were my lifeline, but they couldn’t prepare me for the self-doubt and tough moments I faced. There was no mentor in my life that could have helped me navigate through this journey with sage advice.
Reflecting on the Lessons
It’s hard to believe it’s been ten years since that first step into the unknown. While transitioning has brought self-doubt and loss, it has also brought growth. If anyone asked me if I had no regrets, I would say that I have none. I’ve learned so much throughout my journey and I want to share the advice I wish I had known a decade ago:
Changes take time
Everything will come at its own time, whether you just started hormones, came out at work or certain family members are not initially accepting from the moment you speak your truth. Keep your head up, even when it seems impossible.
Finding your people makes a difference
Join a support group. Find a queer space that revolves around a common interest with people on similar journeys. Follow social media pages that host curated events for people like yourself, which opens up opportunities to build a chosen family.
Boundaries aren’t optional
Setting boundaries can feel tough, but it’s essential. Take some time to reflect: How do you want people to treat you? What won’t you tolerate? And most importantly, how will you handle it if someone crosses those lines?
You have to advocate for yourself
While there are case managers at LGBTQIA+ centers with grant money that will link clients to care, there’s only so much they can do. At some point, you will need to find your authentic voice and speak up when something doesn’t feel right. If you are at a surgery consultation and the surgeon has a treatment plan that you’re not 100% on board with or you have questions that haven’t been addressed, speak up and have them addressed.
There’s no “right” way to be transgender
Your journey is yours. How you express your gender is valid, no matter what anyone else thinks.
Healing is a process
Letting go of old fears, doubts, or societal expectations of gender roles doesn’t happen overnight. Give yourself grace and space.
The world isn’t always kind, but you can create kindness
Build your own safe spaces. Whether it’s a community, a home or even just a mindset, building your own can be a gamechanger.
Celebrate the little wins
Social media is full of amazing transgender stories, but it’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing yourself. Remember that someone else’s timeline isn’t yours. Celebrate your progress — each small step forward is worth it.
Transitioning isn’t just about looks
It is also about feeling more confident, finding your voice and becoming your most authentic self.
Joy is a powerful thing
Thriving and living authentically in a world that often doesn’t understand you is a radical, beautiful act of resistance. Many transphobic people who espouse hate towards the community are people who secretly wish that they can do the same.
Ten years ago, I thought transitioning was about becoming someone new. Now I know it’s about embracing who I’ve always been, finding joy in small wins, strength in challenges and freedom in living authentically. Embracing yourself maybe is the greatest gift of all.
Planting Seeds for Tomorrow
As I continue in my own journey, I find myself more and more drawn to sharing my knowledge with others. It is especially important for me to inspire younger generations so they can continue on the work long after I am gone. To that effect, I am starting an advice column here at Rey and the Archive addressing all things LGBTQ+ and diversity work. If you have questions, I got answers.
All you have to do is submit a question to me at reyandthearchive@gmail.com and I will answer them. I may not get to everyone, so if you don’t hear back right away, know that your question still matters and I will do my best to respond in future posts.
Let us create a space of learning and unlearning as we continue the navigate the years ahead. Together.
This is an amazing post. I’m not trans, but I care about the people, the community, and the cohesion that’s a daily part of their lives. The genocide gradually committed by Trump and cronies makes me sick. I’m only one step away from the Holocaust, and this must stop.
Creators like you are contributing to the mass humanization of a very special, very important marginalized group. Every word I read from trans writers gives me a weapon to use in the coming fight. Good job!
💜