Dear Rey: On Dysphoria and Intimacy

What it means to want closeness while protecting your own body

Photo by Lovense Toys on Unsplash

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Hey friends,

Welcome to Dear Rey! This is an advice column where we talk about what it means to live, love, grieve, and grow as transgender and queer people—alongside the allies who support us. Each week (or whenever I have the energy), I answer a real question submitted by a reader with intention and care.

Want to submit a question? Email me at reyandthearchive@gmail.com with the subject “Advice Column,” along with your name and location, or let me know if you'd prefer to stay anonymous.

A reader writes:

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Dear Rey,

I am a 21-year-old trans man. I struggle a lot with bottom dysphoria and sex. I have had no bottom surgery, only testosterone and top surgery, which I am very happy with. When it comes to my bottom dysphoria, packing seems to alleviate it. But sex is still hard.

For some reason, I don’t feel dysphoric when having sex with people with penises, but I do with people who have the same anatomy as I do. This makes me confused and also makes me question my sexuality. To what extent does dysphoria play a role in who or what I find attractive?

I am having a difficult time with this and was wondering what your experience is.

Kind regards,
Luka

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Hey Luka,

Thank you for writing in and being real about something so many of us carry in silence. What you’re navigating is valid, and you’re not alone. Even if the experiences are personal, the confusion around dysphoria and desire is something a lot of us know too well.

Dysphoria doesn’t just show up in the mirror. It can surface in moments of touch, connection, or even arousal. It can sneak into how we experience our own bodies during sex and sometimes reveals more about what feels safe than what feels true about our identities or orientation.

You’re noticing that sex feels less dysphoric with people who have penises and more dysphoric with people who share your anatomy. That’s not strange. It’s your nervous system and your body trying to make sense of what feels affirming and what feels out of sync. Dysphoria has a way of hijacking the moment.

It doesn’t mean your attraction isn’t real or that your queerness is in question.

Maybe your body feels more at ease right now in dynamics that create a bit of distance from the parts that are harder to connect with. That’s okay. It’s good information. It doesn’t mean you’re confused about who you love. It just means you’re still learning what feels good and what doesn’t.

Packing helps. That grounds you, and that matters. It’s a tool. It doesn’t need to fix everything—but it can be part of what supports you. The next pieces might come from trying different kinds of intimacy, experimenting with language during sex, or giving yourself the space to not have a clear answer just yet.

You don’t need to figure it all out in order to honor what you’re feeling. You also don’t need to explain or justify your sexuality, not to others and not to yourself. Attraction, arousal, and comfort are layered. And for transgender people like us, those layers often come with histories of harm, healing, and reclamation.

There’s no deadline. Just a return to your body with curiosity and care.

You’re already doing that. And in case no one has said it lately, I’m proud of you.

Con mucho amor,
Rey 🌻

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Recommended Resources

1. Safer Sex for Trans Bodies
   A informational booklet, created by Whitman-Walked and HRC, that covers topics such as masturbation, safer sex options and more.

2. Primed: A Sex Guide for Trans Men for Men
   A resource for trans men who have sex with men, covering pleasure, safety, and affirming sexual health tips.

3. Yes, No, Maybe List
   A comprehensive checklist that helps individuals and partners explore and communicate their sexual boundaries, desires, and comfort levels to foster informed and consensual intimacy.

4. Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good — adrienne maree brown
   A book that reimagines activism through the lens of joy, healing, and erotic power, asserting that embracing pleasure is a radical act of resistance and a pathway to collective liberation. ​

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We’re building something soft and powerful here. Thanks for being part of it.

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