Dear Rey: On Ethical Queer Dating
Holding space for the questions that love leaves behind
Hey friends,
Welcome to Dear Rey! This is an advice column where we talk about what it means to live, love, grieve, and grow as transgender and queer people—alongside the allies who support us. Each week (or whenever I have the energy), I answer a real question submitted by a reader with intention and care.
Want to submit a question? Email me at reyandthearchive@gmail.com with the subject “Advice Column,” along with your name and location, or let me know if you'd prefer to stay anonymous.
This time around, I am here with the amazing Javi to answer a reader’s question:
Dear Rey and Javi,
I’m afraid of men but don’t want to exploit other people. What advice do you have for ethically dating a queer person?
Thanks,
Trisha
Javi’s Answer
Dear Trisha,
First, thank you for naming this. That tension between fear of harm and fear of causing harm is so real, especially for queer folks navigating trauma, gender dynamics, and dating. You’re not alone in this—wanting to move ethically with self-awareness is already such a powerful step.
Here are some questions for self-reflection that will help you find your own intentions and capacity:
Are you dating from pressure or desire?
From fear or genuine connection?
Are you being honest about where you are and what you can hold?
That is the work.
Grace and space,
Javi
Rey’s Answer
Dear Trisha,
Thank you for your question!
Ethical queer dating is not just about finding someone who likes the same music or wants the same kind of relationship. It is about safety. It is about being witnessed. It is about whether someone can hold your identity with care, not just curiosity.
So I want to offer a few nuggets of wisdom. They may not resonate with everyone, but they might offer you a starting point.
Trust yourself.
Before anything else, trust yourself. You do not have to be fully healed to date. That idea has been pushed in a lot of spaces, especially online, but it is unrealistic and often rooted in shame. Healing is ongoing. You are not a project to be completed before you can be loved. You are allowed to date while still grieving, while still figuring things out, while still unlearning old habits. What matters is having enough self-awareness to recognize when your actions are causing harm and being willing to be accountable when they do.
Trusting yourself also means knowing what your emotional non-negotiables are. It means being able to check in with your body and spirit and noticing how someone is making you feel. That internal clarity can help you stay grounded when dating brings up questions or confusion.Go at the pace your body can handle.
If a dynamic feels fast, blurry, or overwhelming, it is okay to pause. You are not missing out. You are honoring what your nervous system needs. Sometimes we mistake adrenaline for chemistry or urgency for interest. People who are meant to be in your life will not be put off by your boundaries.Find someone who doesn’t just “accept” you.
There is a difference between tolerance and reverence—find someone who sees your queer identity as a gift. If someone is always asking you to explain your identity, makes jokes that do not land well, or avoids learning about your communities unless prompted, that is not reverence. You deserve to feel celebrated, not studied.Date from your values, not your deficits.
Many of us were raised without the language for healthy desire. That makes it easy to chase relationships that mirror what is familiar, even when it is not what we need. You are allowed to want care, consistency, and connection, and to expect that in return. You are allowed to walk away from what drains you.This also applies to those exploring polyamory or non-monogamy.
If that is the structure that feels right for you, it is essential to find others who hold those practices with intention, transparency, and care. You are allowed to name your needs, to ask for clarity, and to define what intimacy looks like on your own terms. Your relationship structure does not make you disposable or difficult. It sets you apart as someone who knows what they are looking for.
Allow yourself to change.
Your identity, your attraction, and your understanding of love—all of it can evolve. There is no fixed destination you are supposed to reach. You just owe yourself honesty and space to grow.
Con mucho amor,
Rey 🌻
Recommended Resources
The Healing Seat by Javi Da Yoga Therapist
A beautiful Substack by Javi, which explores relationships through the lens of yoga, queer embodiment, and emotional healing. If you are seeking a more grounded way to relate with others and with yourself, this is a space worth returning to.Polysecure by Jessica Fern
If you are exploring non-monogamy or polyamory and want to feel emotionally grounded in the process, this is one of the best starting points. It brings together attachment, healing, and queer relationship structures with care.Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
While written from a more mainstream, monogamy-centered lens, this book introduces attachment theory in accessible terms. It can be useful as a foundational reference for understanding your relational patterns and how they show up in dating, especially when read critically and in conversation with more inclusive resources like Polysecure.All About Love by bell hooks
A transformative book that challenges everything we have been taught about what love is and what it is not. bell hooks writes with deep clarity, care, and political insight, naming love as a practice rooted in justice, honesty, and growth. This book offers language for those who are trying to love without losing themselves, and who are unlearning survival patterns in order to move toward something more whole.
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🫶🏽🥰Always a pleasure to work with you! 💕