Leading by Letting Go
Challenging the norms of leadership through intentional rest
“Keep an eye out for the email invitation in your inbox.”
That’s what my mom, Tabytha, told me during one of our phone check-ins. She had just mentioned the TGNCNB Collective Retreat, a 3-day gathering for transgender and gender-diverse leaders across New York that was happening at the end of March. Without saying anything to me beforehand, she had already put my name forward to be invited and have transportation provided for me.
I was curious, a little hesitant, and honestly unsure what it would mean to be in a space like that again. But I kept an eye out for that email. Because even with everything I’ve been carrying—feeling burnt out, disconnected, and stretched thin by how much we’re expected to hold—I still wanted to believe that this retreat might offer something different. A pause. A chance to be in community without needing to explain why I’m tired. Just to exist around other trans folks who get it. Not knowing what to expect, I decided to jump in with both feet and requested time off from work.
Day 1
After playing the waiting game, the big day arrived. After a quick chest workout and a breakfast smoothie, I made my way to Moynihan Amtrak station at Penn Station to catch the 11:20am train to my destination. I met up with two familiar faces, Sunny and Yanery, who were also invited to the retreat and going by train as well. We grabbed our seats and made use of the 3-hour ride to catch up on unfinished business and emails.
Once we arrived, the hotel was just a short walk from the station. We huddled our luggage over to check in, drop off our bags and settle in. My room had a double bed, a large Samsung TV, a loveseat, and a beautiful bathroom. The luxury amenities instantly calmed my nervous system.
After a brief pause, I met up with Sunny, Yanery and my mom Tabytha in her room and ordered some pizza before meeting with everyone else in the conference room for opening remarks. I was quickly greeted by familiar faces (and new ones) and was surprised to find that there were fidget toys in the space. As I scoured for a fidget toy, the chatter in the room was soon overshadowed by the sound of a bell ringing. Our attention quickly turned toward the MC, Nala, who stood at the front shaking the bell a few moments more before putting it down on the podium. She then proceeded to officially welcome us into the space with powerful words, acknowledged the organizations that made this retreat possible and led us through a grounding exercise that rejuvenated my tired soul. With every deep breath I took, I felt my body loosen up in my chair and knew that I didn’t have to put on an act. That I was safe to be myself and not be in “activist mode”.
Before I knew it, after a brainstorming session on community needs, we were told dinner was served and we quickly gathered our things as we went into the dining room to eat. Community conversations took place as we took bites of the delicious (though dry) lemon chicken, garlic potatoes and salad. We all went our separate ways after that, breaking off into small groups to share space and catch up on each other’s busy lives.
Day 2
My eyes cracked open at 6:00am this morning, feeling more refreshed than I have in a while. I got up from under the covers and glanced at the agenda for today and saw that breakfast was served at 8:00am. Unable to fall back sleep, I put on a T-shirt and shorts and went to the fitness room. I spotted one other retreat participant in the space as I walked in and hopped on the elliptical machine for a quick 30-minute session.
My forehead dripping, I headed back to my room for a quick shower and change of clothes before heading upstairs for breakfast. As I walked through the double doors, I filled my plate with eggs, sausage links and home fries and a hot cup of raspberry tea before sitting down for the first workshop of the day.
The first workshop covered an overview of the current funding landscape, what funding looks like and exploring unconventional ways to build sustainable funding relationships to support our organizations and ourselves. While I was familiar with grants, having worked in non-profit organizations in the past, the conversation opened my mind to new ideas to fund our progress. These ideas bounced around in my head as we took a beat and lined up to get catered sandwiches for our lunch break.
Once lunch ended, the second workshop began. The presenter spoke about online security best practices, which apps were safe to use and how to protect ourselves against doxing. Given the polarizing political climate against transgender people, so we have to consider our safety now as we continue to show up at the cost of being more visible.
After an informative presentation, the space transitioned into a wellness space which offered four different experiences of our choosing: ear acupuncture, tarot reading, chair massage and tea sampling. I signed up for everything except the tea sampling, ready to feel my body loosen up as I held tension in my shoulder and trapezius muscles and was curious enough to try out having needles on my ears.
By the time I sat down to get my tarot reading, I was floating on cloud nine. With a clear head and an open heart, I shuffled the deck a few times before choosing 3 cards. My hand consisted of The Sun, Eight of Swords and Knight of Swords, which the tarot reader stated meant that I am meant to succeed but that I need to clear myself of imposter syndrome, hesitation and self-doubt. They read me for filth! But they also reminded me that the future I want is already waiting. I just need to stop holding myself back.
Without missing a beat, the wellness sessions concluded and we were allowed some leisure time so I decided to explore the area a bit before heading back for dinner. After dinner, there was a dance party in the conference room, with a full DJ taking charge of the music. I was pleased to see there was a table for crafting for those who wanted a more chill vibe. It was beautiful to see so much trans joy in the space that I didn’t want the night to end. But, as all things do, the party ended and we all headed our separate ways again for the night.
Day 3
I woke up, feeling grateful yet sad knowing that the retreat ends today and that we were heading back to New York City this afternoon. I got up, showered and packed my bags before heading upstairs for breakfast. Little did I know that what happened next would be my favorite part of the retreat.
As I sat down with my plate of food, the organizers and my mom facilitated a closing circle. We were given ten minutes to write down what our future looks like and our goals. After time was up, the organizers prompted us to share with the rest of the group. Normally, I would never raise my hand but I dared myself to make a different choice.
After two people shared their vision of the future, I raised my hand. All eyes turned toward me as I grabbed the microphone and faced my fellow community leaders.
Feeling the quiver in my voice, I took a deep breath and said:
“My goals for the future are to publish a memoir of my transition journey, do public speaking and document our present to preserve our history. Oftentimes, we are left with incomplete accounts of our progress. Sure, we have heard about the Stonewall Riots and some of us may have even heard of Compton Cafeteria Riots. But many of us have never heard of the protests at Cooper Do-Nuts and Dewey’s, which preceded both of those events. It’s now more important than ever to maintain our roots and find wisdom in our history.”
I handed back the microphone and sat back down, listening to everyone else share their future. What really stood out to me was hearing elders in the community share— one elder envisioned themselves retiring in Fiji while another shared that they want to step away from activism and move to Europe. Hearing them share opened my eyes to thinking bigger on what my future could look like. A future that was within reach once it was time for me to pass the baton to the next generation.
Taking the Future with Me
When the clock struck noon, all of us gradually started to disperse and make our way back home. We all proceeded to exchange goodbyes and promised to keep in touch with each other. Some people hitched a ride in other people’s car. Others, like myself, stayed behind to wait for the Amtrak. But it would be another hour before the Amtrak train arrived at the station.
As the train pulled away from the station, I felt something settle inside me. This transformative experience was a reminder that rest is resistance and connection is survival. This retreat wasn’t just a pause—it was a mirror, reflecting what becomes possible when we give ourselves space to simply be.