What Kind of Ally Are You? 4 Questions to Ask Yourself
A critical analysis at how performative allyship only benefits the ally
I was listening to my audiobook and scrolling through my inbox, trying to keep up with the latest news. My fingers froze mid-scroll when I saw a headline: Dylan O’Brien’s non-binary sibling was calling out his performative allyship. I dug deeper and learned that it all started with a Vulture interview from January 2024, where Dylan mentioned his relationships with queer people while promoting his film Ponyboi.
While I don’t know the full story behind their dynamic, it made me pause and reflect on the many times I’ve witnessed performative allyship—those moments when someone offers public support for a marginalized person, but that support doesn’t actually benefit them.
I remembered listening to Hope Giselle on Instagram Live, where she broke down the difference between allies and accomplices while speaking about NLE Choppa and his support for LGBTQ+ people. What stuck with me was when she said:
“An accomplice is going to say, ‘When are we riding?’ An ally is going to say, ‘Good luck with your ride.’”
That line flipped a switch in my brain. It made so much sense. That’s the difference: action versus talk.
An accomplice shows up and does the work. They commit to learning and unlearning, and they use their time, energy, and access to uplift the people they support. They donate, volunteer, raise funds, and speak out against harmful behavior—even when it comes from their own friends or family.
An ally, by contrast, often limits their support to surface-level gestures: attending a protest, reposting a story, or simply saying, “I have queer friends.” Even with good intentions, many allies don’t actively move the needle forward. In many cases, they help maintain the status quo in a system that continues to harm us.
If you’re an ally reading this, you might be thinking, I’m not that kind of ally! Maybe you're not. I can’t say for sure. But what I do know is that reflection is essential—especially when we claim to support Black, transgender, disabled, or immigrant communities. Support isn’t just a label. It’s a social responsibility.
So if you’re serious about showing up, not just as an ally but as an accomplice, grab a pen and paper and sit with these reflection questions:
Reflection Questions for Allies Who Want to Be Accomplices
What does allyship mean to me?
How have I demonstrated that in real life?
Think of a time you supported a friend with one or more marginalized identities. Now reverse the roles. If you received that same level of care in a moment of harm, how would you feel?
Did you feel seen, protected, centered?
Or did you feel left out, unheard, or alone?
Have you ever been praised for being a “good ally”?
How did that affect your behavior?
Did it push you to learn more, act more boldly or did it make you feel like your work was done?
Make a list:
What events have you attended?
What mutual aids have you donated to or shared?
What volunteer efforts have you supported?
As you look over the list, what patterns do you notice? Are there gaps you would like to fill moving forward?
With unconditional support from accomplices and allies who are committed to real, everyday action, marginalized communities can stand stronger during these uncertain times. When gender-affirming care is under attack and transgender youth are being pushed to the margins, we don’t just need more allies—we need people who show up with purpose.
If you are stuck on ways to get involved with supporting LGBTQ+ people and other marginalized communities, you can refer to the list I made here of actionable steps you can take.
If this piece gave you something to think about, helped you reflect, or shifted your understanding, I invite you to support my work by becoming a paid subscriber. A $5/month subscription helps sustain the time, care, and labor that go into writing pieces like this, and ensures queer and trans voices continue to be seen, heard, and valued. You can subscribe below at the end of this article.
And if this post resonated with you, please share it with someone who might benefit from it. Meaningful change begins with conversation, reflection, and community.